Every worksite in Australia has a vocabulary for the people who don't pull their weight. Blisters is one of those words — a blister turns up when the hard work's done. We just made it the software's job instead of a bloke's. The rest of the family, plus the words they use on you, for the record. Councils: this one's not about you. Mostly.
- Blister
- Turns up when the hard work's done. Now: the software that does the paperwork so you can turn up when the hard work's done. Never the customer. Never you.
- Shiny bum
- Sits on their arse all day until the cheap suit pants go shiny. Writes the tender you're reading, and the forty-page conditions that mention "value for money" eleven times.
- Sensor light
- Only switches on when someone walks past.
- Kit Kat
- Always having a break.
- Seagull
- Flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, flies off. Usually a consultant.
- Mob from the big smoke
- The bid team with a graphic designer who wins your council's contract on paperwork, then subcontracts the actual work to someone like you for less.
- Old mate
- Anyone whose name you can't remember. Also whoever won the contract you didn't know was out.
- Wheelbarrow
- Only works when pushed.
- Cordless
- Fully charged in the morning, useless by smoko.
- Deck chair
- Folds under pressure.
- Lantern
- Not very bright and needs carrying.
- Bushranger
- Holds everyone up.
- Pothole
- Always in the bloody way.
- Bluetooth
- Looks connected. Nothing actually happens.
- 10mm socket
- Never there when you need it.
- Seaweed
- Floats around all day without doing much.
- Noodles
- Reckons everything will take two minutes.
- Mastercard
- Takes the credit.
- Wicket keeper
- Gloves on, stands back.
- Sniper
- Disappears as soon as the work starts.
- Brake pad
- Worn out and squealing.
- Feta
- Crumbles under pressure.
- E.T.
- Just wants to go home.
- Perth
- Three hours behind everyone else.
- Witches hat
- Stands there all day looking important.
- Clipboard
- Carries paperwork, avoids actual work.
- Concrete boots
- Slow getting started.
- Boomerang
- Keeps coming back because the job wasn't done properly the first time.
- Magpie
- Steals everyone else's gear and swears it was theirs.
- Dingo
- Disappears with your lunch.
- Smoke alarm
- Makes a lot of noise when there's stuff-all wrong.
- Speed hump
- Slows the whole job down.
- Spirit level
- Useless unless someone else puts it in the right place.
- Stud finder
- Beeps around everyone but never finds anything useful.
- Silicone gun
- Full of shit and under pressure.
- Bunnings sausage
- Everyone likes them, but nobody's quite sure what they actually contribute.
- Site radio
- Loud all day, rarely says anything useful.
- Extension lead
- Always stretched too far.
- Angle grinder
- Makes a massive racket and leaves sparks everywhere.
- Tek screw
- Goes in fast, comes loose later.
- Cable tie
- Somehow holding the entire operation together.
- Duct tape
- Same as cable tie, but management.
- Hard hat
- Present purely because someone said they had to be.
- Cherry picker
- Only interested in the easy jobs.
- Laser level
- Expensive bloke who tells everyone else they're slightly off.
- Traffic controller
- Expert at telling everyone else when they can move. Ben was one. See About Ben.
- Rack off
- The unsubscribe. Two options, no login, no guilt trip.